I'm Not Afraid of Music (Photography) Anymore

Coin, Aidan Bissett, Harper's Bazaar, and full-circle moments.

When I was 19, I decided I wanted to be in music. At the time, I thought that would be in the form of music production. In the back of my mind, though, I secretly wanted to be a music photographer. Of course, that felt more impossible than anything. After meeting one of my photo heroes in October 2019, I was determined to at least shoot one show. He was the first person I had told about my secret dream. And he told me to keep going. And I knew I had to at least try it once.

Soon after, one of my favorite bands, COIN, announced their tour and a stop in Cleveland for the spring. Along with the announcement, the band posted that they would be giving photo pass opportunities to some of their fans who wanted to try a hand at music photography. I have never filled out an application so quickly. And, within a few days, I was in possession of a document that said I was allowed to bring my camera into the venue. I couldn’t shoot from the photo pit, but I didn’t even care. I was so impatient and couldn’t wait for the arrival of March 27, 2020…

Yeah.

So that did not happen.

Disappointment seems too mild of a word to describe how I felt. I was crushed and absolutely devastated. I had been so close. Only for my one opportunity to be snatched from my hands. Of course, I had no idea what was to come in all aspects of my life. How insignificant it would later feel compared to the rest of my challenges.

The band rescheduled their dates once the world opened back up. The pass was no longer valid, but my ticket was. It was December of 2021, I had photographed one concert only 2 months prior. My mom was sick, I had quit my job, and I just experienced their music as a fan. Their song “Let it All Out (10:05)” was a song that touched my heart and guided me during the time of my mom’s battle with cancer. I brought my dear friend, Nora, and she was my shoulder to cry on as they performed that song. We had an incredible night simply living in and feeling the music. Still, my heart was in the photo pit and I was in the crowd.

COIN December 2021 at House of Blues Cleveland - taken on my phone.

Now, it is October of 2024. I have lost count of the amount of bands and concerts I have documented. I work at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I am about to be working the 2024 Induction Ceremony in less than a week. I had applied for a pass the moment I heard COIN was coming to one of my favorite venues in Cleveland, The Agora. In the week leading up to the show, I checked my email relentlessly. Besides the normal daily spam, I was not seeing a confirmation email from my favorite marketing guy telling me I was all set with my pass.

I bought a ticket as a precaution because I was planning to see the band no matter what. But, as the day approached and the chaos of my week unfolded, I decided maybe to just sit the whole evening out. I knew I would be crushed again to go to their concert without my camera and I was exhausted from work. About 27 hours before doors opened, while on the mandatory safety training walk through my workplace, a notification pops up on my phone. The title being “Coin x Agora”. I almost dropped my phone in the stairwell from shock.

As I picked up my photo pass from the box office, I received a text from my friend and coworker with more words I never thought I would ever hear: “You were published in Harper’s Bazaar”

My jaw absolutely dropped.

Not only was I about to have a full-circle moment of photographing the band that was supposed to be my first 4 years ago, I had 2 of my photos published in Harper’s Bazaar from my full-time job.

Even though my name wasn’t attached to it, what mattered most was that I knew I had taken those photos. I called a friend while on the verge of tears to tell her the news. I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt as though I had “made it"- whatever that really means. I had survived so much, worked so hard, and I had finally reached 2 dreams in one night. It still doesn’t even feel real a few days later.

Once inside, I ended up being the only photographer in the pit during Aidan Bissett’s opening set. He was as electric as I expected he would be. It’s such a strangely intimate experience being the only photographer in front of the barricade. Having full-range of motion and being the person closest to the performer. I was so locked in for those first 3 songs, and I think it really paid off in the results.

Aidan Bissett opening for COIN in Cleveland 2024

After I left the front and captured some more of his set, I wandered back to the merch table to purchase some mementos of the night. This is usually the best time to do it because the merch area is desolate and I can take my time making a decision. As I paid, I heard Aidan’s voice from the stage say, “I will be at the merch table directly after this!”

Before I can even process, the woman at the table says, “Perfect, you will be the front of the line to meet Aidan,” and directs me to a spot. Being the rule follower I am, I took her directions and reality hit me. When I’m in concert-mode, I am not the best at making small talk. I am so focused on my job that I don’t feel fully like a person. I told the two girls behind me to take my spot so I could have a few extra moments to collect myself.

Almost immediately, Aidan and his crew arrive and I am trying to keep my cool and think of an introduction. His photographer was also standing nearby (of whom I am a huge fan) and I couldn’t even bring myself to say 2 words to him. (I think I awkwardly stared at him for a good 30 seconds.) Before I know it, I am being gently shoved by the man keeping the line going and I am face to face with Aidan. I think I blocked most of the interaction out of my brain, but I remember not being able to fully put a sentence together and stumbling over my words. I said something along the lines of, “I was the only photographer in the pit during your set and you were awesome,” and he chuckled and said that he saw me.

It really just reminded me that the artist is just aware as I am of the surroundings and what is going on. There is a mutual awareness of each other, being in such close proximity. We shook hands and made the introduction official and it made me remember that the artist is just a human being too. He’s truly just a normal guy my age, putting himself and his art out there for the world to see.

As I entered the pit again, I was joined by 2 other female photographers - my friend Lindsey Poyar (lindseypoy) and my new friend Ally (allisonfreidly). It was only Ally’s second show taking photos and I could see so much of myself in her. I was in her shoes only a few years ago. I felt the impact of the moment from both her perspective and my own. As the lights came up, I never felt so alive.

Sometimes, when you wish for something for so long, you are disappointed when it finally arrives. For me, I felt only relief and pure excitement. During the show, the lead singer, Chase, mentioned he had visited the Rock Hall earlier that day (which no one told me about!) and made a comment about a quote he saw:

“I saw a quote that said, ‘Being an artist takes nerve,’ but I think more importantly, being an artist takes gratitude.”

I felt that deep in my core. In that moment, I felt a rush of gratitude for every person who ever gave me a chance; for every ounce of work I was able to put in to get to this moment. For a mother who pushed me and inspired me to keep taking photos even when I didn’t think it would turn into anything. For my friends who asked me to take their pictures. For every moment I get to spend doing what I love.

Creating feels like breathing to me. And all I want to do is share my gifts both with others and for others. To capture a moment in time of someone else doing what they love most. And, honestly, 4 years was worth the wait. I never could have done the band the justice it deserved at the age of 19. I am truly a different version of a person and artist at the age of 24. It is the milestones and full-circle moments like this that remind me the hundreds of hours and thousands of photos have paid off. And it led to 2 dreams coming to fruition in a single night. And 19 year-old me would have never believed it.

And I am so grateful.