Sorry For Disappearing Like That, I Was Finding Beauty in Life Again
On seasonal depression, burnout, and being excruciatingly human.
Winter has always been a difficult season for me as a person and artist. As someone inspired by color, light, and nature, being void of those things for a few months makes me prone to apathy and a general sense of dread. Since writing is a newer form of self-expression, it takes more energy and contemplation and effort for me to create. I have about 5 unfinished drafts of nothing in particular that will live in limbo for eternity. But, the sun is shining in Ohio today. And today, I feel a bit more human.
To be completely transparent, most of my early 2025 has been spent playing video games with friends, watching Twin Peaks, and sleeping a bit more than usual. I didn’t pick up my camera for most of January, only pushing myself to take my monthly self portrait and lay back down.
I didn’t know at the time, but these self-portaits would catch much attention. I was proud of them, but I wasn’t expecting them to be shared hundreds of times on the VSCO app and posted by their official Instagram account. Knowing that some of the greatest photographers in the world saw my photos and even remotely liked them gave me the pep in my step that I needed to pull myself out of a month-long funk.
I returned to Asheville in January to see my dear BANGS friends and shoot for 3 days before the owner left for maternity leave. Being back in that beautiful place always brings a sense of clarity and a kind reminder that each moment holds opportunity. This brand was once another impossible-feeling dream collaboration that has turned to reality. In fact, the members of this team have become some of my dearest friends. Their belief in me and my craft has catapulted me far in my career. They saw my potential and gave me opportunity and trust when I was literally just some wide-eyed girl with a camera. This trip became another step in bringing color back to my vision.
It wasn’t until March that I both attended and photographed my first concert of the year (this may be a record). But the fact that it was Faye Webster made up for all the time I was afraid I had lost. Her presence and vocals brought me a sense of comfort and I almost forgot to capture photos at certain points. Faye’s voice holds this softness and strength that could make even the loneliest soul feel at home.
About a week ago, I did something I had been afraid of doing for a decade and I chopped off almost a foot of hair. It was a pretty spontaneous decision, but still full of intention.I have held onto my hair as a security blanket, only ever changing the color a few times a year. It has become such a big part of my identity and self-expression. And it was getting so heavy. More in a metaphorical sense than anything. That hair had seen a lot over the past few years, including versions of myself that don’t really exist anymore. So I chopped it all off and left a lot of heaviness on the floor of my friend’s salon.
It’s both terrifying and wonderful the pace at which life changes. It’s easy to crave the comfort of familiarity and repetition, but I have learned to lean into the unknown. In a single day, the impossible can suddenly be within reach. You can fall in love, discover a new song to repeat endlessly, meet someone who will change your life, eat your favorite meal, lose everything, fall apart, pull yourself back together, cut your hair, or even simply take a walk in a place you haven’t returned to in a while.
I am generally a very independent person that thrives in solitude. But even then, I crave company and companionship. Often times, I don’t even bother to ask others to join in my adventures, both spontaneous and carefully planned. This year, though, I am trying to change that. If this lonely winter has taught me anything, it is that my life is better spent with the people that bring saturation to it. My photography journey began as a way to document my travels and friendships, and somewhere along the way I have neglected that. And I want to get better at leaning into the people I love. Sharing all the good and the bad, not just updating each of them once a year over coffee. Documenting all the ways we spend our lives together.
In general, I have learned that kindness is something you must not only gift to others, but yourself as well. Everyone is experiencing humanity for the first time, including me. And with the difficult cards I have been dealt, I still strive to remain soft and tender. In recent months, I have given myself flowers, watched one more episode before bed, started a course in music composition for video games, played my music with a full band for the first time, had movie night sleepovers, turned off my alarm, and spent time making art simply for myself and not to share. And you know what, I haven’t regretted one bit of it.
So, with all of that being said, sorry for disappearing like that, I was finding beauty in life again.
Be back soon <3
xx tessa
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